Ms. Zhabiya Ceyloni , Child & Adolescent Psychologist @ Mindworksbait
As a counseling psychologist with substantial experience, one recurring theme I’ve seen in my young adolescent clients is the struggles of emotional distance between them and their parents.
In a fairly recent session of mine, I was with my clients’ parents and a lot of emphasis was made on what their child did wrong/‘bad’ and how they just couldn’t get through to him. It’s natural for parents to want the best for their children and to correct them when they make mistakes. On these grounds, I enquired about what ‘wrongs’ did their child commit and what was their way of resolving it. The parents admitted that in the heat of the moment, a lot of emotional invalidation and physical punishment was used to ‘straighten’ the child.
A pivotal moment in the session was brought forth by a ridiculous situation that struck me in the moment. I quote, “Imagine you’re at a river side with your child and you inform them about the dangers of leaning against the railings/protective walls. You keep asking them to get down, do not lean forward, you’ll fall down etc. Even after all of your efforts, your child fails to listen and unfortunately slips and falls into the river, drowning. They have their arms stretched out for help. What will you do then? Because there are only 3 options. Either you allow them to drown or you hold their hand and pull them up. Your third option is to give them a high-five”. Instinctively, the father exclaimed out loud “Aree, humne to apne bacche ko high-five de diya!” (oh no, we just high-fived our child!).
The gap created by invalidation and punishments can have lasting impacts. Scolding, yelling, or reacting with irritation often leads to internalized feelings of shame, fear, and inadequacy. This can cause children to withdraw emotionally, making it harder for parents to offer guidance and support when it’s needed most. A high-five to someone who is drowning is never effective. Just like punishments.
We all know the power of empathy but with the added responsibility of the world and its demands, there is a bump that kicks off a lot of struggles and this ‘tug of war’ on who’s boss takes a toll on the institution as a whole. I wanted to emphasize on how crucial it is to remember that emotional and cognitive empathy is important in understanding the emotional and cognitive imbalances. Empathy is far more effective than anger and harsh criticism. We should always ask ourselves: What is motivating this behavior?
